Updated: Jul 26, 2020
I cut my arm the other day. I went to seek a sharp object and found my favorite spot on my arm and started cutting. I have been in quarantine for over a month and I was left alone for an hour by my husband. He wouldn’t have left me if he knew how low I was and what I was capable of doing.
I haven’t self-harmed in three years. Then I ended up in the emergency room with thoughts of killing myself. You see, I didn’t know I was bipolar and I was on a medication that caused suicidal thoughts if you are bipolar. It was like climbing up a rollercoaster, slow. I didn’t know how high I had gotten until I reached the top. Then it was a fast descend into self-harm and wanting to kill myself. Had I have looked down while the rollercoaster was going up, I may have been fine. But no, I ended up needing to have sharp objects hidden for three months.
I got a tattoo on my wrist of a sun when I started to feel better and the thoughts dwindled to only a few times a month. I tell people it is because of the Beatles song, “here comes the sun.” But I know it is where I wanted to slit my wrist and watch the blood drain out.
It took me three months of therapy and hard work to bring me back to a good state. But I found help that I was not just depressed but was also bipolar with anxiety. It took 6 months to find the right dose and drug to start feeling like I was a functioning human. I remember because it was Christmas time when I went to the emergency room and it was July when my father was diagnosed when pancreatic cancer.
My world was turned upside down but I had 6 months of coping skills in my belt to help me deal with the fact that my dad had only a few weeks to live. My dad was bipolar too. I watched him go through the struggles of the mental health issues. I had to face the reality that I would struggle my entire life with mental health too. At one time he was committed; he came out stronger and with his own set of tools. He had his own rollercoaster of finding what drugs worked and what drugs made everything worse. He feared for me when I started down my path of mental health drugs. He knew I was a hard road to find what worked and wrong thing could mess you up terribly.
Today I am in quarantine. In the last 6 months I have moved, lost 80 lbs and lost insurance. In the last month I have been locked in my house with no income and no hope that I will have a job when this ends.
I have lost 80 lbs from surgery and hard work, but as you would assume, my meds are now fighting for a different person. They are not the right mix anymore. I know this. I have pretended it isn’t the case but I know this. I moved to a new state so I don’t have my doctor who has been there for me through all the ups and downs. I have to find someone new to trust. My insurance kicks in next week. Hopefully then I will be able to get real help. Until then, I have to deal with meds being off and a desire to hurt myself.
The feelings of wanting to cut myself never went away, they just lessened. It was like a whisper in the dark on stormy nights. Now that my meds are off, the whisper has grown louder and found a voice a few days ago. I thought if I give in, then I will feel the pain and it will be done with, I won’t need to feel it again. But the problem with this mentality is that I hurt myself and I liked it. It was a fleeting joy but I felt something.
I cried. I cried for a long time. How could I do this and like it? How could I cut my arm, why would I cut my arm? There is no way to hide it in the spot I wanted to cut. I would have to tell my husband.
I did tell him, he responded that whatever it took and no matter the cost, we would help me because I am the most important person. I had the choice to call for help before the insurance kicked in or to wait. I chose to wait. Now I am sitting here, waiting for the 1st to happen so I can get back on the path to feeling better.
"Wellnite ONLY TREATS ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION but thanks to Wellnite COVID19 COMPASSION PROGRAM I was able to use FREE MENTAL HEALTH COACHING SESSIONS to help me cope with my current situation, I was advised the free to access professional coaching sessions did NOT SERVE AS MEDICAL PURPOSE OR TREATMENT but overall helped me feel better, provided me with a tool as coping mechanism and I would highly recommend it to anyone in need of mental health support."
Blog post was written by guest blogger: June Still
Other blog posts produced by June Still: "Stories of COVID-19: Anxiety My Old Friend"
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