Healing Anger: Effective Strategies to Cope with Flooding and Stonewalling in Relationships

Understanding Anger and Flooding

Anger is a natural emotional response that everyone experiences. However, when it escalates to flooding, it can overwhelm our ability to think clearly and react rationally. According to Dr. John Gottman, flooding occurs when the level of emotional arousal becomes so intense that it affects the way we process information. This can lead to defensive behaviors such as stonewalling, where one partner shuts down, withdraws, or goes silent during an argument, making it difficult for both partners to connect and resolve conflicts.

The Role of Stonewalling in Relationships

Stonewalling is often a response to feeling overwhelmed. It can lead to frustration and alienation in relationships, as the partner who is expressing feelings may feel rejected and unheard. Understanding that stonewalling is often a self-soothing mechanism can help couples navigate these challenging moments. Dr. Gottman emphasizes that physiological self-soothing is essential for re-engaging constructively. By recognizing when one partner is disengaging and addressing the underlying anxiety, couples can work towards healthier communication.

Physiological Self-Soothing Techniques

To combat flooding and stonewalling, it’s crucial to learn and practice physiological self-soothing techniques. Here are some evidence-based exercises to help couples regain control of their emotions:

1. Deep Breathing Exercises: Deep breathing promotes relaxation. Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat several times, paying attention to how your body feels.

2. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

Progressive Muscle Relaxation is an effective technique for releasing tension. Start at your toes, tense each muscle group for a few seconds, and then release, moving upward through your body. This practice helps lower overall tension and anxiety levels.

3. Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation encourages being present in the moment without judgment. Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. Acknowledge any thoughts or feelings that arise without reacting to them. This practice can help couples manage their emotions during tense situations.

4. Visualization Techniques

Visualization can be a powerful tool for self-soothing. Imagine a peaceful place that makes you feel secure and calm. Allow yourself to linger in that environment for a few minutes, letting go of present worries or anger.

How to Re-Engage After Stonewalling

After the initial flooding and stonewalling, the goal is to reconnect. Here are steps to re-engage constructively:

• Set a Time to Talk: Agree on a time when both partners are calm and can discuss the issue at hand without distractions.
• Share Feelings: Encourage both partners to express their feelings when ready—this creates an opportunity to understand each other’s perspectives.
• Focus on Solutions: Shift focus from what went wrong to how both can work together to avoid similar situations in the future.

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